Friday, December 23, 2005

The Point of No Return

You can't take anything back. Whatever you've done is done, so in a sense every action is a point of no return. You can never become the person you were before you took a specific action or before a certain event happened.

Still, there are moments where you act and for a time there is full knowledge that your life may change drastically because of the action, but you can't begin to imagine how. Taking the oath to serve. Pulling a trigger. Becoming a father.

There is a new one today in my life- I sent out query letters for the book. Maybe nothing will change. Maybe many things will. For the moment, though, the trigger has been pulled and I am waiting. I'm actually relishing the voice in the back of my head that is squeeling like a scared child, "Take it back! Take it back!" I've heard it before and know that it comes from the other side of the Point of No Return. It is the voice of someone I no longer am and can never be again.

Wish good changes.


Kami said...

You've done good. Good luck, congratulations, and I both envy and don't envy you.

Hugs and love,


Anonymous said...

Publish or not - you've said what you needed to say to whom it needed to be said. And you've organized your thoughts on paper and then made them reality in your job, your life, and the people who depend on (and who you depend on) you for guidance, safety, success.

You've reached the audience who most needed to hear these words of experience and wisdom.

Be nice to have the money, but you never really wrote the book for this reason.

This book is your new Black Belt. From this baseline will come even greater accomplishments.

Success is great, but the respect of your peers, the joy when the light goes behind a student's eyes, the love you have put forth and gotten back ten-fold is your true reward.

And I am honored to have been able to have been on your dance card.

Rory said...

Thanks to both of you for sharing.
Mac, you are a living reminder that for every one of us who writes there are ten who know more and who have gone farther who don't. I'm honored to have met you and to have learned even a little of what you have to teach. Keep dancing.

Kami- you are truly the keeper of my sanity. I never have to question why I do what I do- I look at you and our children and that is more than reason enough. You are truly the keeper of my sanity. Every thug needs a princess.

Anonymous said...

I'm happy you did it, mr Miller!
I've read Mediations on Violence last January (and since then both ConCom and Facing Violence) and I find it very valuable because you really seem to understand what real violence is like.

I've been through a lot of violent situations, starting with severe child sexual abuse and I've worked real hard to overcome being an easy target.

Most people try to sell me bullshit about what violence is like, when all their knowledge is from books and movies. They judge me for being calm in crisissituations and they laugh away my intuition.
I was in a GMD [got ambushed by my childhood perpetrators and some of their friends. I knew I was in terrible danger, so I suprised the leader by suddenly pushing him aside and running away (all of this happened without conscious thought)]. I know it would've gone terribly wrong if I stayed in the situation. Yet people (and I'm talking professionals here) keep telling me I'm overreacting, nothing would've happened, the situation was social, there were witnesses, I'm just afraid because these people hurt me before blah blah...

To me what you wrote is a relief. It helps me trust my judgment skills: My experience over other peoples theories.

Thank you.

Best wishes,