Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Proto-Zombie Alert!!!

Disclaimer: I hope no one reading this is really stupid, but just in case: What follows is a joke. Please do not act on it. Or, if you do, man up and take personal responsibility.

It is common knowledge in certain circles that George Romero's early zombie movies were financed by the US government. The DIA and NSA having found compelling evidence that the Soviets had perfected a weaponized rabies virus, the government decided that moving zombies into the mainstream might help survivors of a bio-war overcome the emotional challenge of killing a friend or relative who had become a murderous, bloodthirsty and highly contagious monster.

The situation is worse than we feared. The weaponized rabies has been released into the population of the United States. We don't know who released the virus: terrorists working with Soviet cold-war scientists? The Yucatan Socialist Worker's Party (YAZIs)? Some lost cell of the long-defunct KGB?

We only know that the virus is here and it is subtle and more dangerous than our initial intelligence estimates.

The first generation of weaponized rabies works slowly. It can take as long as five years to build up in the system and create "zombies". As it does, the virus slowly eats away at parts of the brain that control independent thinking and compassion. When, and it is when, gentleman, not if, the first of the infected turn, it will be hell on earth. Their bites will turn others almost instantly. And they will be fast-mover zombies, not the shamblers we hoped and prayed for.

What follows is a list of signs and symptoms that indicate the virus is building up:

  1. The subject is a shitty driver. It may be a loss in reflexes from the virus eating at the nerves or rudeness and aggression or both.
  2. The subject sometimes just stops his or her cart in the middle of big box stores and just stares around with a blank expression.
  3. The subject demands to do whatever he or she wants while simultaneously declaring membership in a special group. A sign of the essentially sociopathic lack of compassion of a zombie combined with mindless herd instincts.
  4. Constant texting and social media. Appeals to the zombies attraction to shiny objects and the herd instinct.
  5. Ignoring children, especially leaving them to be raised by television.
  6. Constant complaining. As their brains are eaten away, the proto-zombie experiences mysterious pain and becomes stupider, which gives them a lot to complain about.
  7. Inability to solve problems for themselves. A side effect of stupidity, but with low cunning, the proto-zombie often combines this defect with #6 and demands that others-- friends, family or the government-- solve the proto-zombie's problems.
  8. Working to make a world safer for zombies and other monsters. Probably not a conscious decision, but working to disarm future meals is the proto-zombie's way of ensuring the safety of the zombie it will be.
  9. Doing nothing in large groups of similar people. Whether common loitering or the feeding frenzy at the free samples in the big box stores, watch for the zombie tendency to hang out in groups and just mill around.
  10. Loud and rude in public. The higher brain functions, such as those controlling civility, are among the first to go.
If you see a person exhibiting seven or more of these ten symptoms, they are on the verge of total metamorphosis. Do the right thing.


  1. Aw, man. I'm in trouble. I go all the way to eleven.

  2. Great.

    I'm already surrounded by a population of zombies.

  3. Holy Crap!! You've noticed them too ...

  4. OMG. Most of the UK is covered in proto-zombies. WE're doomed! Doomed, I say!

  5. Look at that happy zombie, he doesn't give a damn.
    I wish I was a zombie, My God! Perhaps I am!

    With apologies to Spike Milligan

  6. I think I've seen some in Boston. They're the ones crossing the street into oncoming traffic.

  7. I should be more careful, I almost made it all the way through thinking we where taking about politicians.


  8. The apocalypse is nigh...

  9. "War of the Worlds" radio show by Orson Welles in 1938 :-) ... always someone who will think it is real ...

  10. Anonymous8:03 AM

    It's *true*!
    I particularly my husband and a family friend loudly complaining about "dumbass" pedestrians just wandering out into mall parking lot traffic while we were searching for a parking spot.
    You guessed it. As soon as we found a parking spot and exited the vehicle, they wandered out into the road themselves.
    "Get out of the road! You were just complaining about this!"

  11. Anonymous10:24 AM

    I love that it sounds at least plausible all the idiots in the world could be the sign of some great conspiracy. And, that even if its not against me personally, I can believe it is without realizing I'm probably actually one of the Zombies myself! Like a Twilight Zone episode.

    Know the local route to the mountains and always be praying for the great rains. 40 Days and 40 nights doesn't sound so rough sometimes...

    -Billy G.

  12. What I find most amusing about this is that the disclaimer isn't part of the joke, presumably because proto-zombies can read.

  13. Anonymous5:09 PM

    Talk about serendipitous.
    I just came across this ... "Voodoo Wasps and Zombie Worms".

    It's a BBC documentary about Behaviour altering endoparasites like Toxoplasma gondii. (google it, especially if you have a cat.)


  14. I think the correct term for women stopping in shopping aisles is 'mombies.' They're a new sub group and I fear them. Phonebies are everywhere too. In thrall to their little talk gadgets even while they run you over.

  15. Anonymous12:58 AM

    Front Sight- Press!

    -Oh wait; it's a joke!