Proto-Zombie Alert!!!

Disclaimer: I hope no one reading this is really stupid, but just in case: What follows is a joke. Please do not act on it. Or, if you do, man up and take personal responsibility.

It is common knowledge in certain circles that George Romero's early zombie movies were financed by the US government. The DIA and NSA having found compelling evidence that the Soviets had perfected a weaponized rabies virus, the government decided that moving zombies into the mainstream might help survivors of a bio-war overcome the emotional challenge of killing a friend or relative who had become a murderous, bloodthirsty and highly contagious monster.

The situation is worse than we feared. The weaponized rabies has been released into the population of the United States. We don't know who released the virus: terrorists working with Soviet cold-war scientists? The Yucatan Socialist Worker's Party (YAZIs)? Some lost cell of the long-defunct KGB?

We only know that the virus is here and it is subtle and more dangerous than our initial intelligence estimates.

The first generation of weaponized rabies works slowly. It can take as long as five years to build up in the system and create "zombies". As it does, the virus slowly eats away at parts of the brain that control independent thinking and compassion. When, and it is when, gentleman, not if, the first of the infected turn, it will be hell on earth. Their bites will turn others almost instantly. And they will be fast-mover zombies, not the shamblers we hoped and prayed for.

What follows is a list of signs and symptoms that indicate the virus is building up:

1. The subject is a shitty driver. It may be a loss in reflexes from the virus eating at the nerves or rudeness and aggression or both.
2. The subject sometimes just stops his or her cart in the middle of big box stores and just stares around with a blank expression.
3. The subject demands to do whatever he or she wants while simultaneously declaring membership in a special group. A sign of the essentially sociopathic lack of compassion of a zombie combined with mindless herd instincts.
4. Constant texting and social media. Appeals to the zombies attraction to shiny objects and the herd instinct.
5. Ignoring children, especially leaving them to be raised by television.
6. Constant complaining. As their brains are eaten away, the proto-zombie experiences mysterious pain and becomes stupider, which gives them a lot to complain about.
7. Inability to solve problems for themselves. A side effect of stupidity, but with low cunning, the proto-zombie often combines this defect with #6 and demands that others-- friends, family or the government-- solve the proto-zombie's problems.
8. Working to make a world safer for zombies and other monsters. Probably not a conscious decision, but working to disarm future meals is the proto-zombie's way of ensuring the safety of the zombie it will be.
9. Doing nothing in large groups of similar people. Whether common loitering or the feeding frenzy at the free samples in the big box stores, watch for the zombie tendency to hang out in groups and just mill around.
10. Loud and rude in public. The higher brain functions, such as those controlling civility, are among the first to go.

If you see a person exhibiting seven or more of these ten symptoms, they are on the verge of total metamorphosis. Do the right thing.