Sunday, May 14, 2006


I was offended yesterday. In most cases, that takes some doing.
A friend and brother, someone I love and have long admired, introduced me to his biological brother. The conversation went well. From his stories he responded to challenges head on, as I usually do, and he likes a good fight.

The conversation drifted to wives and how difficult they can be to communicate with- particularly the balance of control, confidence, companionship and autonomy that a woman needs to feel. The line between taking us, as husbands for granted and smothering out of fear of losing us.

He shared his story- how his wife unreasonably kept bringing up an affair he had two years ago. What a bitch.

That burned me. I don't have a lot of deep sexual mores, beyond the ability for all involved to form informed and responsible consent. But I have serious issues with broken promises and trust. He felt it was natural- any man with the opportunity would act on it. Hiding it was only natural. Getting caught happens. The person betrayed needs to get over it...

The lack of integrity, that he would swear an oath (and marriage vows involve some very specific oaths), that he would lie to and hide things from someone who he has agreed to share his life with is enough, in my mind, to discount him completely as a man. That he would then turn around and blame the victim blew me away.

I guess I'm just old-fashioned.


Kami said...

I think it's fair for someone to still be angry about being lied to and cheated on after two years. He's lucky she didn't leave him. If he's still running out on her, well, he doesn't have a whole lot to complain about now, does he?

Ahhhhhh, I'm judging! I'm so bad! Spank me!

The Moody Minstrel said...

You're not old fashioned; you're sensible in a culture that considers sensibility a disease.

The Moody Minstrel said...

Actually, it's probably far worse over here in the Land of the Rising Sun. It's more or less considered a given that men will play around. In fact, it's almost a requirement.

In the old days, if a man didn't have at least one affair, his wife might very well have hired a prostitute for him for the sake of his health. Then again, no oaths of any kind were given during wedding ceremonies back then. The wife just became the man's property. End of discussion.

I guess it really hasn't changed all that much. Men are supposed to be men (i.e. at the mercy of their urges) and women are supposed to shut up and be good, little toys.

I used to have a fairly close friend among my coworkers who was young, female, and attractive. Basically, the entire faculty was either "nudge-nudge, wink-wink"ing to the point of immaturity or avoiding me with sighs and shaking of heads. After she left, and no one could find evidence of foul play between us (and plenty that we hadn't), then they shifted tack and started questioning my sanity and my sexual orientation. (Talk about damned if you do, damned if you don't!)

Fortunately, my wife trusted me (but not necessarily her) through that whole thing.