Sunday, March 06, 2011

Blast From the Past 2

I am overwhelmed with writing projects and sleep deprivation right now.  Fortunately, I found some old writing that might be fun to cut and paste.  This one is from 2002:

I Ran Like A Rabbit


A nasty, foul, dirty, stinky guy with one arm in a splint, no teeth, complaining of a broken arm and late stage cancer, no more than 140#s, is screaming, yelling, jumping up and down and kicking the walls...

I entered his cell and advised him to calm down.

He shrieked, yelled, screamed and threatened, obscenity after obscenity...

"Sir," I said, "I can get you some of what you want but you don't get anything until you calm down. Do you understand?"

"You don't understand you *&($& piece of (%$&&$^!! You'll do what I tell you and you'll do it now mother%@#(*&!!"

"No sir, I won't. You need to calm down."

"You want some of this?! Is that what you want?"

I smirked. "No, sir. I just want you to calm down."

"Alright," he snarled, "A man's gotta do what a man's gotta do!" He squared off with me.

"Sir, Don't be stupid..."

Then he started fumbling for the buttons on his pants.

"What are you doing?"

"I'm gonna throw my colostomy bag at you you worthless ^%&*$(@!"

I stepped out of the room and shut the door. Quickly.

(Recently threatened by a colostomy bag, still nauseous but laughing)

Addendum: The old guy never did calm down the whole shift and spent much of the night squirting the contents of his colostomy bag under the door of his cell.  Ick.


Josh Kruschke said...


I'm sorry but I think that falls in the over-sharing bin.

You made me have flash backs to my time in the Navy.


Unknown said...

Has your facility ever been on "Lockup"?

Delta Juliet Papa said...

I worked in retail loss prevention for many years. I've had numerous people urinate themselves, sometimes simply at point of contact (usually women) and sometimes after an attempted escape and during the struggle for position and handcuffing (both men and women, usually intoxicated). On a few occasions I've had people defecate themselves. Not a pleasant experience, especially considering it’s nearly impossible to avoid physical contact under such conditions!


Matt said...

I was almost stabbed with a foot long turd in a cell by a angry inmate who I was trying to get to morning court. The inmate came truckin at me with the most solid 12 inch turd you have ever seen. He had it in his right hand in a over the head downward striking action. I was standing in the cell door seen him coming with his turd knife staight for my position. Another officer was holding the cell door. I start backpedalling away from turd boy yelling at the other officer Door! Door!. Officer slams door in turd boys face. Turd boy calms down and we get him to court no further issue. I hate dealing with other people's shit.

Ben Cerasi said...

I almost pissed my pants after reading this!

Anonymous said...

This made my day :)