Thursday, March 21, 2013

CofV10: The Educational BeatDown

All societies, subsocieties and groups have rules.  Sometimes the rules are formal—states and nations have statutes and even the local gardening club has bylaws.  Sometimes the rules are informal.  Families don’t have constitutions, but the kids know what behaviors will get them in trouble.

In any given society, the rules will be enforced.  Maybe not well or consistently, but they will be enforced.

In a healthy group (defined as one in which everyone agrees on the methods and goals) ‘enforcement’ may be merely a glance.  Someone does something wrong, you look at him, maybe with a raised eyebrow, possibly say, “Really?” and he says, “Ah, dammit.  I screwed up.  Sorry.”  Unless it turns into a power play, the verbal variation of the Monkey Dance, the member of a healthy group is grateful for the correction.

As groups become less healthy, they also become less secure.  The methods for correcting behavior escalate, from informal gossip campaigns and chilling a person out to screaming at subordinates…

There are other factors at play.  Different subsocieties have much different attitudes towards physical force.  Some families spank, some do not. Some groups thwack the back of the head, some do not.  Some nations execute, some do not.

These three factors: health of a group; security or insecurity of the group or its leadership and; attitudes toward violence shape if and when the educational beat-down will ever be a self-defense issue for you.

There are three cases where the EBD may be dangerous.

#1: If you are a dick.  There is a pattern to the EBD.  The first step is that you do something wrong.  Yes, you.  We all make errors and step on toes from time to time.  If you think you never do or, worse, always have a reason why it is the other guy’s fault, you’re a dick.  If you refuse to acknowledge that your group has rules or that the rules should apply to you, if you feel you are being oppressed by any rule you don’t happen to like… you’re a dick.

For most people, breaking the rules isn’t a big thing.  You realize you violated protocol, acknowledge that there was an error and the error was yours, accept punishment if the group thinks it was merited, and move on.  This is called “accepting responsibility,” and one of my personal rants is about people who want to skip the step about accepting the punishment.  Merely acknowledging the error was yours is NOT accepting responsibility.

Rant aside, jerks have problems with every step of this.  Most importantly, refusal to acknowledge that the rule existed and that you broke it prevents the EBD pattern from closing.  It demands an escalation in correction. 

“Toby! Apologize to your sister!”
“Then go to your room and stay there until you are ready to apologize!”
“Do you want a spanking?”

If you insist on being a dick, punishment will escalate until you are removed from the group, whether that means being fired or being beaten to death behind a bar.  If you’ve been fired or divorced a lot, partner, it’s time to do some soul-searching. Cause you’re probably a dick.

#2) If the group or the leadership is insecure.  This factor applies to all social violence but is especially obvious in corrective violence.

We are basically primates and a lot of our wiring is older than our ability to communicate.  When we get tense, afraid or insecure, we tend to fall back on ancient patterns of behavior.  If you are a good boss and people want your recognition and approval, they hurry to do what you say and work hard not to get you upset.  If you are a terrible boss, people also hurry to do what you say and work hard not to get you upset.  The emotional mind doesn’t really distinguish submissive behavior stemming from respect or submissive behavior stemming from fear.

When a boss feels he is coming under fire, he has a tendency to get loud and aggressive.  This is what his limbic system is telling him to do.  This will get submission signals from his group.  This will make everything better.

From the outside, we see more clearly.  We call this behavior “losing it” for a reason.  If it happens in a society with a propensity for violence, it can escalate to a beating or murder.  Like when Al Capone beat three of his lieutenants to death in 1929.

#3) Where you don’t know the rules.  Most of us spend time around people that share our basic attitudes and beliefs.  We know the rules and know, consciously or not, how they will be enforced.  It can be a very dangerous situation when a person or a group travel to an unfamiliar place and expect or demand that the rules remain the same.

Whether it is a group of college kids going to the biker bar on the edge of town for a thrill or someone who hopes to backpack through another country, they will be exposed to new rules.  It’s usually not a problem unless they possess that certain mix of arrogance and stupidity—unless they demand the right to follow their own rules.

In many cultures it is safe to be arrogant and stupid.  If the culture is very homogenized and insular, silence or possibly stares are the worst that will happen.  They will hate you, but they won’t hurt you.

In other cultures where violence is seen as an easy answer to many problems, it can be very dangerous.  But even in a culture that regularly handles social disputes with knives or assault rifles, trouble is usually easy to avoid or evade.

Avoid trouble by not being there, of course, but if that is not an option:
  • Keep your mouth shut.  Answer questions, be polite, but don’t offer an opinion or try to ‘fix’ the locals.  And especially don’t feel magnanimous or superior enough to say something like, “You people are ignorant and you worship evil, but that’s your right.  Don’t change.” A British tourist I overheard in Istanbul.
  • Be polite.  That isn’t hard.  Don’t stare, don’t back away, don’t argue.

Evading trouble is also easy.  The Educational Beat Down follows a pattern and the pattern is universal.  How does a child get out of a spanking? “I broke the lamp, mommy, I’m really sorry and I won’t do it again.”  How does a killer get the death penalty taken off the table?  Usually with a full confession and a show of remorse.  How do you avoid hard feelings (or worse) when you try to speak Arabic to a Kurd?  Or flirt with the bouncer’s girl?  “I’m sorry.  I didn’t know.  It won’t happen again.”

Most of the time, if you acknowledge it was a valid rule, that you broke the rule and that you won’t do it again, there is no need to teach you a lesson.  The behavior has been corrected and that is the sole purpose of the EBD: to enforce norms of behavior.

If you try to evade responsibility or say the rule was stupid or that the rule shouldn’t apply to you, if you put any weasel words into the apology, you don’t get it.  The correction must escalate.

There is a fourth situation in which the EBD is dangerous, but it is more an historical artifact then a current problem.  When resources are scarce, for instance, if a tribe expects a few starvation deaths each winter, people who don’t follow societal rules are a liability.  Fewer things are punishable by death in an affluent society than in a marginal one.

There are very dangerous behaviors that can mimic the EBD.  More accurately, many people use the underlying motivations of the EBD to attempt to justify viciousness.  Abusers say, and may honestly believe, that they are teaching a lesson.  Justified excessive force complaints arise when officers switch from subduing a suspect to punishing a perp.  A fully justified act of self-defense can turn into assault with just a few extra kicks to send a message.

The dynamics of the EBD are also mimicked in the two most dangerous of the types of social violence: the Status Seeking Show (next lesson) and sometimes the bonding-style Group Monkey Dance (last lesson).  Social violence, unlike predation, is primarily a form of communication, dysfunctional though it may be.  Even if the real goal is just to enjoy beating someone, it goes better if the beating is preceded by a provocation from you.

“I beat her up for no reason,” doesn’t get a lot of play even in bad crowds.  “Bitch called me fucktard so I taught her a lesson,” plays better.

The person looking for an excuse to get violent will try to get you to do or say something that can be used as a rationalization.  It is not a reason—they already have the reason in that they want to hurt someone.  It just needs to sound like a reason.  When someone tries to incite you to inflammatory language and anger, that is the time to slow down, and act thoughtful and cold.  And check the audience.

If there is no audience, this is probably a lead-in to a predatory assault.  Experienced predators will mimic social patterns so that YOU stay on the predictable (and much less violent) social script.  If there is an audience and they are egging on the threat, be prepared for a Monkey Dance.  Apologize and leave, but be prepared to crash through the crowd if necessary.


Anonymous said...

Is it impossible to be mistaken about #1 ? What would happen if no-one ever behaved like a dick but kept within their group's values?

Anonymous said...

(The very few folks who want train with me who I think are dicks, I usually tell them an excuse and recommend training with one particular Instructor who doesn't like me. It doesn't mean they/him are useless in a total sense..."each to it's own" ....)

Toby said...

For the record... I don't have a sister...

Boris Borcic said...

Beautiful lecture. A nit:

"Social violence, unlike predation, is primarily a form of communication".

In the evolutionary ecology sense, predation is a component of natural selection and as the latter serves to explain biological adaptation(s), it deserves viewing as a form of communication as well.

Anonymous said...

don't know about this, like some of this guy's writing but just the fact that he was a cop and a co tells you he probably has some issues around patriarchy and power. I don't think any of us treat each other very well which is why I live like a recluse. I don't see any sense in living in the middle of a social cesspool where all people do is pick at each other all the time. Seen it all my life, don't want to see anymore. Guess that makes me a dick.

Anonymous said...

No, that makes you an introvert, and that's okay. Some of the worst "social cesspools" I've seen were in offices and academia amongst "respectable citizens" who thought nothing of destroying an innocent person's reputation or career simply because they were bored and wanted a bit of entertainment. Repressive religious communities are even worse. Hanging out with bikers and gang members where EBD was a very real and regular occurrence was comfortable for me. If you are an authentic person, are polite, and do dot transgress against others you are generally very safe. "Give respect, get respect." Move to a backwards rural town, a suburban condominium community, or get a job in an office environment and you can suddenly find yourself surrounded by bullies and stalkers for no apparent reason other than you're "not one of us." I prefer a place where being authentic and polite is preferred to "conformity."